It is three days until Sophia’s first day of school. Three days.
A little over two months ago I blurted out, in a faith-fueled rant, that Sophia would walk into school this year. There was no one around, just me and our always-listening God. I immediately panicked, all too familiar with how exhausting it can be believing for the “impossible.”
Shortly after sharing my crazy belief with our beloved Dr. Bellah, Sophia’s physical therapist, she put in a request for a gait trainer (basically a walker with lots of pelvic and trunk support). As I mentioned before, Sophia is still working on sitting up and holding her head up consistently… so this could have been considered quite the leap of faith. We waited and waited and come to find out, the paperwork was stuck between the equipment company and the doctor’s office. Some communication issues… one party saying they sent it multiple times, the other party saying it was never received. Yes, frustrating, but I kept reminding myself that God can work outside of circumstances and the hold up was no surprise to Him. Finally a month later, we got the paperwork sent off to insurance, or so I thought. A status-check phone call informed me that our insurance had no record of it.
We were driving back from Florida when I made the phone call. My eyes teared up and I had to breathe. I had Brian hook up the speakers to one of my go-to YouTube videos, “Speaking God’s Favor over Your Life.” I closed my eyes and let God’s truths soak in. The circumstances were just so frustrating. Afterwards, I could feel that peace… that unmistakable engulfment of love and support. I was back in the game, believing 100%.
Earlier this week I confirmed that the equipment company had received paperwork saying that we could get the equipment. I was ecstatic. We’ve never received equipment in a week or even two weeks so it still wasn’t looking done, but I felt we were that much closer. I didn’t even try calculating in the work that Sophia would have to do because… well, I know that according to the circumstances, it seems impossible. Fortunately, I stopped accepting “impossible” a long time ago.
Well, once again, I was met with obstacles. The equipment company would not honor the insurance paperwork since it did not guaranteed payment. I’m not upset with them at all. This equipment is thousands of dollars and I understand that they have to stay in business. I submitted a letter to the insurance, requesting a full approval (guaranteed payment), and they told me that their answer can take up to thirty days. Once again, the waiting game and a grim outlook on Sophia having the equipment in mere days now.
A few days ago, I flipped through my journal from when we were back in the NICU. I was reminded of how frantic the devil gets when you’re believing big. He wants to shut your faith down and he surely does not want you sharing it. So obstacles, to me, equate to the enemy’s repeated attempts to convince you of impossible. The threat of our testimony is so great to him that he shivers at the thought of us realizing our power through God. He wants to keep us blinded. I urge you…open your eyes, open your eyes so you can truly see.
When I updated Dr.Bellah, she scurried to try to find a loaner, being met with dead-ends as well. She even tried, with the assistance of her two colleagues, to set up Sophia in a much less supported walker that she had on hand. I lent two hands as well. Between the four of us, we held Sophia up, trying to see if we’d see a glimpse of Sophia trying to stand independently. We ended the session with a not-so-happy Sophia and some sweaty, sore muscles on all our parts. I kept reassuring Dr. Bellah not to stress. I could tell that she was trying so hard to fulfill my belief… Sophia walking into school on Monday. I honestly don’t think any other physical therapist would have gone out of their way as much, out of reasonability, to try to push past impossible.
After coming home, emotions started pouring in… I cried out to God, literally, asking Him to move like only He can, to keep me stable on His word, to show Himself faithful. You see, this is so much more than Sophia walking. Every single time when I am believing for something, it really boils down to me hearing God accurately and seeing that He is able. It comes down to me getting confirmation that I’m not out of my mind when I feel God’s voice. I know God works differently in different situations. I’ve seen Him move at lighting speed and also at snail speed. I KNOW that when He moves slower, it is not a reflection of His lack but only an opportunity for growth within us. 316 days in the NICU with Sophia grew me beyond what years of a “normal” life could have. And believe it or not, I am thankful for that time in my life. I really am. It was tough beyond words, but it was also blessed beyond words.
Three days until I take Sophia to her first day of school this year. Am I still believing for her to walk in?
Is there doubt and fear? Do I want to just cave and say, “Well, I guess I misheard God!”
I do… partially.
One of the things I gained in those 316 NICU days, though, was that you do NOT back down until God gives you a clear “not yet.” You might think…. um, lady, isn’t all the obstacles and the fact that Sophia can’t even sit a clear “not yet”?
Because there is something that I still feel inside my gut and I truly feel like it’s the same feeling about her breathing, about her eating, about her seizures stopping… It’s that same massive feeling of delusional faith. I honestly don’t know how to ignore that any longer. I refuse to expect ANYTHING less than what I feel God is telling me. If I’m off the mark, then okay, I’ll roll Sophia’s wheelchair in Monday morning with the same gratitude and joy. I know God is good all the time regardless of the perceived answers to our prayers.
I keep thanking Him for Sophia walking into school on Monday… and I have NO idea how that would even look. We don’t have equipment to help but would I really be stretching it if I told you I believe that God is even able to have her do it without equipment? I just do, will all my heart.
Please join me in praise. Praise to a God that never fails us, regardless how His promises manifest. Please keep us in your prayers for bold beliefs and the strongholds of fear being broken. NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING, is too big for our God.
Move God, move, like only You can.